what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
