first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
