How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
