why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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