i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
