At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
