i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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