i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
