Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize