I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
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I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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