I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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