I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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