tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
