just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The air was thick with penises
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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