WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
