you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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