3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
