I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
