Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
