we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
