What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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