Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
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Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
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I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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