I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
