I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
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I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.