Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
