Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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