Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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