I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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