So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
