I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
