The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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