Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
