you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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