just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
