He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
