I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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