I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
