She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
