Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
