we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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