You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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