Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
