I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
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