i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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