I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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