I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
