She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
