I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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