did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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