I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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