is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
