i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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