Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She's the barista slut.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
