so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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