i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
